"If I don't get to kill a hooker, shoot some cops or run down old ladies with a hotrod, you are just wasting my time!"
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The Saints Of Spiderrun

you are here · Main Page >  Misc >  The Patron Saints of Spiderrun

Everybody likes a Saint, somebody to be a role model. Somebody to think about just before you commit armed robbery. Somebody to immortalize as a bobble head in your Honda Civic. Well here at Spiderrun we believe the Catholic church just doesn't make enough Saints, and they sure don't make any interesting ones. It is for that reason that we are staring our own Sainthood program, so you better watch out, if you do too many good deeds you might just end up here. Don't forget to take our Sainthood quiz to see if you could be eligible for a Saint.
posted
Wednesday, July 14, 2004
Saint Joe, Patron Saint of Old Milwaukee
Saint Joe became a Saint when I came home on a Friday night after work. Glad that another duldrum workweek was over I headed to my mini fridge to grab a nice cold beer but alas, there was none to be found! How could I ever have let things get this bad! How could I have neglected the fullness of my mini beer fridge? Would a beer fridge social worked come along and take away my mini beer fridge only to put it up for adoption?! After several seconds of pure panic I went to my main fridge to get some water, after all perhaps it was some beer fueled evening that put me into this position in the first place. As I reached for the milk, there it was out of the corner of my eye... A can of Old Milwaukee. I could not look at it directly for the pure radiant light coming from the beauty of the thing! What great Saint has left me this blessing, oh Halleluiah!!! Then I realized that it was the great Saint Joe who brought a 4 pack for poker and drank only 3. "Thank you Saint Joe", I screamed out loud! "You've made a believer out of me!"


Saint Bombaste, Patron Saint of Homebrew
In the late Gregorian days in a small monastery just outside of a small town called New Berlin, Ontario lived several dozen monks in a relatively large monastery. Amongst them was on Bombaste Depardieu, a strange sort of fellow with an unquenchable thirst. The monks of this monastery brewed a fine wine made from the finest grapes and other assorted things that you can make wine from including plums, dandelions and socks. But Bombaste was a thirsty man and would very often be caught in the wine before it was ready. On one occasion his thirst led him to drink wine that was not done fermenting. The following three days of belching was one of several instances that led the other monks to send Bombaste away to a small remote monastery in Paris, Ontario. Bombaste set out to prove that a better wine could be created. After several years of experimentation Bombaste went blind due to consuming too many of his own experimental batches of wine but to this day home brewers everywhere will remember him for the kindred spirit and unquenchable thirst that he had. And so he will go down in history as Saint Bombaste, Patron Saint of Homebrew and Fortified Wines.


Saint Churchy, Patron Saint of Gambling
In the early days of the 21st century a rumour went out about the countryside about a man who would gamble on anything. This mysterious man was known to travel the New Berlin countryside betting on anything from golf games to such random acts of luck such as cutting a deck of cards. His lesser-known partner was often referred to as "Split The Deck Monkey." Could the legends be true? Did he really wear sunglasses while playing poker? If you fold and 8 and a 3 will it later pan out to be a full house? Nobody knows for sure, but history will remember this mysterious man as Saint Church, Patron Saint of Gambling.
Think you got what it takes to be a Saint? Take our Sainthood quiz, Click here!

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